I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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