I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
