i permit you to call me
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
