KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
