Swine flu. Run for my life!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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