I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
