Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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