The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
