My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
