No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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