People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
