Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
