wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
