If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
