Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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