totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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