just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
