twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So. Much. Porn.
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