Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
only you would photoshop your dick
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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