my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
