i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
