if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
