She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
