i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
