apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
