Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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