There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
