Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
