Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
