When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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