dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Never joke about your clitoris.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
