i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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