so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
