i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
