happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Houston, we have a blender
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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