my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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