So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
