the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
