So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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