Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
