i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
