it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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