Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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