That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
