The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
