HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
