and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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