i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
