I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
