I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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